Parenting Conversations #2: Talking To Your Kids About Dating

Published August 25, 2026
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"Dating is pairing off with a person of the opposite gender for the sake of considering marriage."

There is tremendous cultural pressure—starting in elementary school—for kids to date. And I think the assumption most parents make is that dating early is:
Good.
Wise.
Helpful.

Especially for kids and teenagers. So parents, bear with me.

My hope is to help you rethink dating:
Critically.
Wisely.
Biblically.

WHAT IS DATING?

Dating is pairing off with a person of the opposite gender for the sake of considering marriage.

Let's take that definition in parts.

Pairing off. Dating means two people draw a line around their relationship and mark it as exclusive. It's a way of saying, "I'm letting you deeper into my heart and life."

Opposite gender. This type of pairing is unique. It's not simply friendship. It carries a romantic and covenantal intent that friendship does not.

For the sake of considering marriage. Dating has a telos—an end. A purpose.

The goal is to ask: "Is this the person I want to commit the rest of my life to?"

If that's what we mean by dating, then I'm all in. Dating, rightly understood, can be a wise and godly way to consider marriage.

WHAT IS RECREATIONAL DATING?

Recreational dating is pairing off with a person of the opposite gender for the sake of... well, nothing.

I'm all for purposeful dating. But I'm strongly against recreational dating.

And here's why.

Recreational Dating Disconnects Dating From Marriage.

Dating is meant to move toward something.
Recreational dating has no direction. It's aimless.
It disconnects dating from its purpose.

If two seventh graders can genuinely say, "We're ready to marry in the next couple of years," and if their parents can affirm that, then great—go ahead and date. But if everyone agrees that sounds absurd, then it's time to press pause.

Recreational Dating Sanctions Intimacy Without Covenant Commitment.

Picture two seventh graders who "make it official" on Thursday night.
What does that mean?
Exclusivity.
They've drawn a circle around their relationship that others cannot enter.
Intimacy.
That exclusivity invites a new and deeper intimacy.
Emotional. Physical. Sexual.
Almost all teenage sexual exploration happens inside this circle.
And the result? Pain. Regret. Sexual wounds.
And here's the problem with teenage sexual exploration.

It's predatory.

Not because it's always non-consensual, but because it's self-serving. It takes, without giving the whole self back in covenant love.
It seeks the pleasures of intimacy, without the promise of commitment.

It wants what's reserved for married, just without the vow that says: "For better or worse. Richer or poorer. In sickness and in health. Till death do us part."

Recreational Dating Distracts From the Person of Jesus and the Purposes of Jesus.

Before reading further, take a moment to read 1 Corinthians 7. Seriously.
Pause and read it.
Now imagine asking Paul: "Hey, I'm thinking about encouraging my eighth grader to recreationally date. What do you think?"
I think Paul would say:
Absolutely not.

Why?

Because Paul celebrates singleness as a season of undivided devotion to Jesus. Singleness offers a rare freedom. A chance to live fully for the mission of Jesus without the responsibilities of marriage.

Now imagine Paul watching two seventh graders act "married" with no intention of marriage. Consumed with one another. Each other's first thought in the morning and last thought at night.

I think he'd say: "Don't do this! Instead, give your single years to Jesus."
Live unhindered by the weight of pseudo-marriage.
Learn to walk with Christ as your closest friend.
Let your teenage years be years of freedom and faithfulness—not distraction and regret.
I spent seven years in student ministry. And I never once saw a teenager grow closer to Jesus because of recreational dating.
Not once.

Within months, the relationship—not Jesus—usually became the obsession. And most crossed sexual boundaries God reserves for marriage.

Parents, Think Deeply and Pray Hard.

Your approach to this area of your son or daughter's life matters. Because the culture is already discipling them.
It tells them a fifth-grade "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" is cute.
Normal. Expected.

Parents, you have the sacred task of showing them a better story. A story where romance isn't ultimate.

Jesus is.

Questions & Answers

As I've talked with parents about dating, a few questions come up again and again.

Through friendship.

I want my son to have meaningful, godly friendships with girls.

And I want my daughters to have meaningful, godly friendships with boys.

The best context for that is often group settings—where they can learn to serve, listen, talk, laugh, and relate without romantic pressure.

Those friendships will prepare them far better for marriage than premature pairings ever could.

Start the conversation early—before desire and social pressure get loud.

We began in the early elementary years, because even then our kids had classmates who were "dating."

Our aim wasn't to forbid something as much as to form conviction—to help them believe that waiting is wise, good, and beautiful.

Practically, that's meant a firm "no" in the early high school years, with more flexibility later as they grow in maturity and readiness for marriage.

When that time comes, my first question is always: "Could this reasonably lead to marriage?" If not, the answer is clear.

If your teen resists, seek wisdom from the Spirit, from your church community, and from your pastors. You don't have to navigate this alone.

It happens—but it's rarely ideal.

Dating someone for six, seven, or eight years before marriage almost always leads to compromise and regret.

A better story is to wait—to begin dating when marriage is a realistic possibility (two to four years away).

Those couples have far fewer regrets, a story of faithfulness, and more years of unhindered devotion to Jesus before marriage.

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