Parenting Conversations #1: Talking To Your Kids About Sex

“Parenting my child means I need to be the first, loudest, and most consistent voice in the conversation about sex.” 

We live in a hyper-sexualized culture. Pornography. Billboards. Movies. Shows. Images. Sex is everywhere. And our culture has a lot to say about sex. 

Those lies are dripped into the hearts of our kids.

Sex is casual. It’s not a big deal.

Sex is essential. Like any appetite, your desire for sex should never be suppressed. You can’t really flourish as a human being without it.

And sex is primarily physical. Just two bodies mashed together. Nothing more.

PARENTS—

You are one of the first gifts God has given your child to fight those lies. As parents, our aim is to raise disciples of Jesus—sons and daughters becoming more like Jesus in all of life through the power of the Spirit. And that includes their sexuality.

What follows is a primer to help you shepherd your kids in one of the most significant—and sensitive—areas of discipleship.

PARENTS, IT’S PART OF PASTORING.

If we want our kids to become more like Jesus in all of life, their sexuality demands ongoing attention. Sexuality is a powerful part of every human being. And parents, you get the privilege of discipling your kids in this area.

If you don’t, someone else will. A friend. A classmate. A screen.

So here’s the first step. Every parent needs to develop this conviction: “Parenting my child means I need to be the first, loudest, and most consistent voice in the conversation about sex.” 

PARENTS, PREPARE YOURSELF.

Preparation requires you to look back at your own story.

Unhealed sexual wounds will affect (negatively) the way you talk about sex with your kids.

Preparation also requires you to look into the Scriptures. You need to develop a simple way of talking about sex from the Bible. Think of it as a core set of biblical truths you want to convey to your children again and again.

Here are ten truths that can help frame sex for your family: (DOWNLOAD)

You don’t have to say all ten every time. But you should know what you want your kids to know.

PARENTS, START CONVERSATIONS EARLY.

The problem: Most parents start too late.

Because we live in a hyper-sexualized culture, it’s impossible to shelter our kids from every sexualized image, lyric, joke, or message. Pornography is often encountered far earlier than most parents realize. So don’t wait. Don’t wait until puberty. Don’t wait until there’s a problem. Don’t wait until you find something on their phone.

The solution: Start conversations early.

Be proactive. The last thing you want is for a classmate, a friend, or a stranger to become the lead discipler in this area of your child’s life. Talk to your children in age-appropriate ways from their earliest years—five, six, seven.

When we started these conversations with our kids, our goal was simple: every time they asked a curious question, we wanted to answer honestly—in an age-appropriate way. By the time they were seven or eight, we were becoming more proactive.

Starting conversations. Taking advantage of their questions. Using the sights and sounds around us.

A billboard. A song. A commercial. A scene in a movie. Something another kid said. All of it can become an opportunity.

PARENTS, HAVE CONVERSATIONS OFTEN.

The problem: Most parents wait far too long. And then they make one conversation way too big. And awkward.

The solution: Early and often. That’s the rhythm to aim for. Discipleship looks like small drips of natural conversation over a long period of time. Make sex a normal, unshockable topic in your home. Something your kids can talk about without fear or shame.

One practical tool for this is the book of Proverbs. Proverbs creates hundreds of natural on-ramps to talk about life. Words. Friendships. Money. Temptation. And yes, sex. Proverbs speaks often about sexual wisdom and sexual folly.

And because Proverbs has 31 chapters, you can read one chapter a day each month. Over time, these small drips of truth build wisdom in the heart of your child.

PARENTS, PREPARE NOW FOR YOUR CHILD’S SEXUAL FAILURE.

I hope your child knows Jesus. If they do, that means he or she is a saint—someone who belongs to Jesus. But, until they see Jesus face to face, they’re also a sinner - someone still in the fight against sexual sin.

That means you should expect moments of failure. To say it plainly: your child will not be perfect in their sexual integrity.

They may struggle with lust. They may stumble into pornography. They may seek it out. They may hide. They may lie. They might make choices that grieve you. And when they fail, you have an opportunity to give them a beautiful and memorable gift in the way you respond.

A gospel-shaped response.

So prepare now. How will you respond when they confess impure thoughts? What will you do when they stumble into pornography—or choose to seek it out? Are you prepared to share your own story? If so, what parts? At what age? With what language?

Prepared now to communicate two things at once – The gravity of sexual sin. And— The greatness of Jesus’ grace.

We don’t minimize sin. We don’t act like it doesn’t matter. But we also don’t respond with panic, disgust, or shame. We bring sin into the light. We confess. We repent. We receive grace. We make changes. We keep walking with Jesus.

And when you respond that way, you become a living picture of the gospel your child already knows in their mind—and now gets to feel in their heart.

Prepare now, so you can bless them then.

PARENTS, DON’T FORGET YOUR CHURCH.

The church is a gift from God to every parent who has set their heart on raising kids who love Jesus. Inside the church is – Wisdom. Help. Encouragement.

So talk to your pastors. Group leaders. The saints around you. Link arms with our Kids and Student Team. Glean wisdom from God’s people.

Together, let’s show our kids that God designed sex. That His wisdom is good. That His grace is greater than our sin. 

And that Jesus—not sex—is what ultimately satisfies.